Performance Review for 2004
What I Should Have Said: The Rebuttal!
I’ve spoken of my previous manager, Barbara, many times in this blog--her bullshiti shouldn't be news to anyone. The following passage are excerpts from my performance review, which she took pride in delivering to me on a cold winter's afternoon in November of 2004. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, these are her actual [written] words verbatim, and they are only HALF of what she verbalized.
Since I never had the opportunity to give my rebuttal, I recently decided to write one in search of peace of mind and for some closure. Those that know me [in person] may find this funny, but I think anyone can enjoy my venomous retorts and the hilarity behind her ridiculous delusions.
Keep in mind, this rebuttal was NEVER submitted--and never will be., but enjoy anyway!
STRENGTHS:
BARBARA: “I agree wholeheartedly that your strengths are many of the traits you outlined: organization, time management and planning, communication and promptness. I’d like to add that you have done a beautiful job on a few key design projects, particularly ‘MySoldier’ and the Library ‘Castle Cat’ project.”
WHAT I SHOULD HAVE SAID: “Oh, now THAT’S funny. You’ve made it pretty clear from the beginning how much you’ve disapproved of ‘MySoldier’ and the work I’ve put into it, but THANK YOU for the long-overdue compliments.”
BARBARA: “However, on professionalism (which you list as a strength), I would like to see more patience with our “clients,” more understanding of the pressures they face, and a willingness to go “above and beyond” in order to help them. This also goes for pitching in with our own department’s work.”
WHAT I SHOULD HAVE SAID: “You must have slipped and bumped your head. Sweetie, I don’t think YOU quite “get” or empathize with the pressures I FACE every day. It's clear that you think disorganization and chaos is an effective way to run a department. Well, bitch. I have news for YOU.
First of all, I’m not even going to dignify this “going above and beyond” bullshit with an answer. Clearly, you know not a damn thing about me or my work ethic, so you better pull it together and move on. I will say this, however: I will NOT take responsibility or stress myself over people's poor management skills, poor planning and poor decision making. The combination of those three traits make my job 20 times more difficult than it should be. The REAL question is, why? Why, Barbara? Do you know? It couldn't POSSIBLY have to do with your popularity vote around here, COULD IT?
BARBARA: “I feel that you have begun to have a knee-jerk reaction to people’s requests: that they could have/should have given us more lead-time, and therefore they may have to wait for delivery on their projects.”
WHAT I SHOULD HAVE SAID: “Yeah, and I'm about to have a "knee-jerk" reaction and stick my foot up your pancake ass. Are you SERIOUS? No--you can't be! Perhaps if you had SOME sense, the quote “haste makes waste” would mean something to you. Your CAN'T be cutting off THAT much circulation to your brain... Oh, I forgot! You don’t wear one.”
BARBARA: “Recently, for example, on the Admissions Profile Book (which will be labor-intensive and not terribly exciting), you suggested that Admissions take back the job and do it on their own, rather than availing themselves of our design expertise and service.”
WHAT I SHOULD HAVE SAID: Ok, first of all, YOU need to chill with excessive coffee drinking 'cause it CERTAINTLY isn’t doing your memory any good. I never ONCE suggested that Admissions “take back the job and do it on their own.” What I SAID was 'they should FINALIZE the information before sending it to me.' What sense does it make to have a graphic designer work on something that is unfinished and half-assed? Tell me, Barbara, since you are the QUEEN of half-ass.
BARBARA: “Also, though it is no doubt subconscious, I feel that there is a negative spin to your efforts to manage the work flow. I appreciate your humor, as do others, but still, there is a fine line you may be crossing. For example, your ‘CYA’ book implies self-protection over organization. The sign over your desk – ‘Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency for me’ – conveys a resistance that is not in keeping with our department’s (or the college’s) ethic. Given that you have been in the post-college professional workforce for just six months, I believe that a more open approach will serve you better in the long run.”
WHAT I SHOULD HAVE SAID: “*Rolls eyes and sighs* Apparently, a sense of HUMOR is a new criteria for a performance review. WHO would have thought? If it makes you lose THAT much sleep during the night, I’ll remove the sign and tone down the binder. Boy, the bullshit just never ceases to trail out of your mouth. By the way, what IS the College’s ethic?”
AREAS NEEDING IMPROVEMENT:
BARBARA: “I agree that you will continue to learn about the printing process. It’s great that you have shown interest in that direction. Other areas where I would like you to learn and grow over time are:
Type design. Your job includes some internal design on basic projects. I would like you to learn to follow Stephanie’s [hired freelance graphic designer and Barbara’s best friend] model so that our image is maintained, and we stay on our budget, which requires that certain jobs be done in house.”
WHAT I SHOULD HAVE SAID: “And I'm supposed to magically pull this bitch out of my ass whenever you ask me to design something? I can pull a lot of 'shit' out of my ass--believe me--but, DON’T compare me to some boonie chicken bitch that over charges and under delivers. Don't twist your ankle stepping off your high horse!”
BARBARA: “Professionalism. See above.”
BARBARA: “Flexibility. You have expressed great pride in your boundaries about lunch hours, work hours, etc., and I understand (to some degree) your need to maintain them. I hope as you spend more time in the workplace, here or elsewhere, that you will adapt to the natural ebbs and flows of your environment. You will notice, I am sure, that “going the extra mile” earns personal and professional rewards.”
WHAT I SHOULD HAVE SAID: “Noo... get it straight. I express ‘great pride’ in completing my assignments before the end of the DAY (and delivering high quality work). Now, if we want to start discussing work ethic, might I take this moment to mention how I put in a full 2-3 hours MORE than you do each day. DO THE MATH. I'll give you a minute if you want to think that over... ... ...
In case you were wondering, it’s not healthy to sit in front of a monitor for 9 hours every day. YES, I need to get up once in a while and take a break. YES, there are days where I have to leave at 5pm and if you REALLY wanna know, YES I might have to go upstairs to take a SHIT.
I cannot even comprehend how my lunch break, which I keep under an hour, is even an issue. YOU might be able to get away with eating a slice of cucumber for lunch in 5 minutes, which I’ve noticed is filling to you, but you have clearly lost your sense of reasonability somewhere in between splurges of flax seed and cranberry juice followed by overly abundant trips to the bathroom.
Before I wrap it up, would you like me to pull down my pants and show you my big, dark crack? You’ll clearly see that I do NOT have “General Motors” slapped on the side of my ass. I am not a machine and certainly not your personal po’, black whipping boy. Or do I need to remind you that the slaves were freed?”
BARBARA: “Willingness to pitch in. I was clear in your interview, and many times since, that during the busy seasons your job will require additional hours beyond 9-5. As you are an hourly employee, you will of course be paid for these hours. I would like to see more willingness, less resistance, to additional hours and tasks. I would like to see you volunteer to pitch in, rather than wait to be asked.”
WHAT I SHOULD HAVE SAID: “Bitch, as I ALSO told you during my interview, I would not be slaving here all hours into the fuckin' night. I never once said I had a problem with working extra hours and I still don’t. How the hell would you know what hours I’m working anyway? You're never here past 4pm! Oh, the irony of it all.
If you want me to work these extra hours, weekends in particular, why don't you try letting me know with a little advance notice instead of the day before? I don't give a shit if your son shit his pants the night before. DON'T bring your personal and mental issues up in this place and turn them out on me!”
OVERALL RATING
[ ] Unsatisfactory
[ ] Satisfactory
[x] Good
[x] Excellent
BARBARA: “Both of the above answers apply.”
WHAT I SHOULD HAVE SAID: “Surprising.”
PERFORMANCE GOALS FOR 2005
BARBARA: “I agree with those you have set:
(1) To grasp a better handle on Manhattanville’s activities and events for better planning and preparation.
(2) To organize materials in the Communication/Development storage areas.
(3) To create an awareness of a required one or more weeks of turnaround time for designing, printing and managing delivery of jobs.
(4) Help Manhattanville acquire a color copier (wrote a business proposal).”
WHAT I SHOULD HAVE SAID: “Ok. WAIT A MINUTE. Rewind to bullet #3. Did you NOT just get on my case about the alleged “knee-jerk reaction” I have to people’s requests? First of all, how do you expect me to create this so-called turnaround “awareness” if you reprimand me for trying to set some guidelines and boundaries?
Maybe between hours of 10am and 4pm, you can evade these kinds of situations, but you easily forget that I’m the one that gets the brunt of people’s shit. Let’s not forget YOUR big piles I have to clean up!”
BARBARA: “In addition, I look forward to seeing you grow in the areas I mentioned under ‘needing improvement.’”
WHAT I SHOULD HAVE SAID: “Thanks. And I look forrward to watching you burn in Hell... maybe then, you'll show up to Hell on time. Bitch.”
